quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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