my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
