i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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