your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
