I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
