We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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