Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
