My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
