your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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