Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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