I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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