Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
