I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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