you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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