i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
ttyl tear gas
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
