just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
