id be glad to
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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