you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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