i wish my penis had a tongue
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
