dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
