Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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