This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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