Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize