she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
