How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize