Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
