can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
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