Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize