its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
