Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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