Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
