Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
