we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
