Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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