I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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