So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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