Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
