My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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