This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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