she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you had me at cake vodka
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
