Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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