the condom got lost in my hair
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
