Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
