As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
