Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
