you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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