i love accidental penises.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
