I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
