I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
