Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
