so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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