hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
