I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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