Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
