Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
