I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize