My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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