my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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